pretty cool stuff happening....

In the church parking lot - not panicking, at allLife, Love & Lemons {photography} has been really busy...  and, it doesn't appear to be slowing down any time soon.  So, that means the blog may have less personal 'stuff' and a lot more photography bragging! ;)   

We had our first Life, Love & Lemons Wedding this weekend - it was a blast - And the weather, OUTSTANDING! Chris and I got amazing shots - I can't wait to share them. The bride and groom were stunning, and the whole gang was a lot of fun.  We have our 2nd wedding in a couple of weeks and I can confidently say, we are ready!!  :)

On the party trolley (taken with the cell)

Yesterday, after a 14 hour wedding day - I wanted to do some relaxing, but had a few changes in my plans.  It involved running back to the reception hall, I had forgotten some much needed equipment (glad it was still there), dropping off rented equipment, and picking up my car that got left at the church.  I also squeezed in a super cool senior smiles session - I will do a full entry on it soon!  Here is a sneak peek: 

By the evening, John and I found time for a few cold beverages and enjoyed eating our take-out pizza by the river.  We watched the barges come through and ducks squrry as the sun went down.  It was perfect, almost.  

 Brayden made another trip to Virgina.   I feel like I am walking around in circles most of the time, always feeling like I am forgetting something.  Not having that little guy at my arms reach is hard to adjust to.  I know he is having so much fun and he will be home soon.  Until then, every morning I unconsciously turn the tv to the disney channel (172), when I had full and complete intention to put it on CMT (166).  Every. Morning.  And every time I do it, it starts my day out pretty rough...  because I miss him so much.  

Stay close by to catch all of the upcoming session posts!  

Hope you all enjoyed the beautiful weekend as much as we did! :) 

Talk soon! :)

a mother's love

‎"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."  ~ Agatha Christie

The truth about being a mom:

I love it more than anything in the world.  But, I sometimes struggle. I may, on occasion,  make up fake truths or tell partial ones to get the easy way out. Or, I embellish actions to prove significance, ... or maybe just to make a point.   I say or do things like:

"Boys have a penis.  Girls have babies"  I can't bare to say the 'v' word.  Someday, but not yet.  I don't know what I will say if I ever have a daughter.

When in doubt, I cry. Well, I pretend -   If you are being too rough or if you refuse to listen - I cry, obnoxiously.  You only care about 50% of the time.

"These cool shoes will make you as fast as Lighting McQueen!"  Last week it was my final attempt to persuade you to wear your new tennis shoes.  When it worked, you took off running and charging, just like Lighting McQueen.  I make a mental note to go straight for the favorite hero or animal for whatever particular phase you are in.  It keeps us both from nearly tears. 

"If you eat this watermelon, I will give you a cupcake"

"Ohh, you wanted a monster pancake, not a dinosaur pancake? Well. That's what this is! It's a monster.  Seriously - look at his crazy hair.  No, those are not dinosaur spikes, it is crazy monster hair!" 

I love it when you show me your muscles and tell me what a big, strong boy you are.  I smile proudly, but ache silently.  I am so blessed for a healthy child, time and God keep you growing and I love it.  But, I really wish I could hold onto this version of you.  Your innocence.  Your smile.  Your inquisitive mind.  Your smallness.  The way your hand fits in mine.  I love you growing, but I miss you little too. 

I wanted the all American family, you know, like the Cleavers.  I have cried to myself at night.  I have cried to friends.  I just want to do it right.  They say their due diligence and tell me what a good mom I am.  And my response is always the same, "I can do better.  I should be better. " 

We should eat healthier.

We should play outside more.

We should do more educational learning.

You should be potty trained by now.

You should sleep in your own bed.

I should be more patient.

The truth is, as hard as I am on myself, I know we are doing just fine.  Not based on unrealistic standards but because we have fun.  

I know because we love to read books.  You laugh that incredible child laugh when I do the animal sounds.   I act like a complete nut and you love it.  

I am conflicted about you sleeping in your own bed, because I love the way you snuggle.  And, even though I am horribly sleep deprived, I love that I get a sliver of the bed because you are sleeping sideways and your feet are sticking in my ribs.   I love to kiss your cheeks and neck to wake you up in the morning.  I love it when you smile with your eyes still closed.  

I love that you are learning respect of yourself and to have respect for others. 

I love that you are so sweet and you say things like "I just love it so much", "I just love you so much", and "Mommy has so beautiful eyes"

I know not because of my good intentions that sometimes fall short, but I know because I am your Mom and I love you.  I know because you love me.  

A mother's love is unmatched by any other. 

Why don't friends with kids have more time?

I was going to blog about our trip to the zoo last weekend.  However, I am in kindof a bum mood. Brayden is in Virginia visiting his wonderful family - And, I know he is going to have a glorious time - but, I miss him.  And, I feel lost without him.  To be honest, putting up all of the pictures of us having so much fun will just make my heart ache worse.  I blogged about his last visit to VA here.  

So instead, because it just so happens to be the mood I am in today - I am going to comment on something that is being passed around on the trusty old Facebook newsfeed.  

A different blogger shared an article - and, I of course read it - and loved it.  And I thought, gosh - I have been there.  I have had the people that dare say, "I don't understand? - Megan has time to go out.  She has people (lots of family) that can watch Brayden.  She uses it as an excuse to not go out."  Naturally, this irritates me.  Instead I smile and swallow it when I really want to fire back - "You don't have kids.  You don't have a clue."  Here is the article (Tell Me About It by Carolyn Hax Tucson, Arizona | Published: 06.05.2007)

When I first moved back home from Virginia, I was working from home - while watching Brayden.  I squeezed my work hours  in during the morning hours, naps, and late at night.  My late work hours came much later, because I had a second job that was an evening shift.  I would pick my sleeping son up from my family members house, I would gently put him in his bed - praying that he wouldn't wake up... because I had to spend another 2 hours working.  Also, on the evenings I wasn't working, I was in class 2 nights a week.  So, in between taking care of a 2 year - that nothing can hold their attention for more than 5 minutes - and making sure they aren't into something that could hurt them, or eating something they aren't supposed to - I worked 2 jobs, went to class, studied, mowed the lawn, did the dishes, laundry, laundry, and more laundry...  I was TIRED.  I did this with no help.  No husband or significant other to take out the trash or help unload a car full of groceries.  No one to watch the baby for 10  minutes so I could take a shower.  My chaos has calmed in some areas and has picked up in others.  But, the simple truth is being a parent takes selflessness.  It takes dedication to developing a person, and praying all along the way you don't screw it up.  It means smiling and playing when all you feel like doing sometimes is crying - but, you can't - because little ones need happy and security.  I wasn't looking for a pity party - I was wanting understanding, not critisism. It still happens.  People want to get together for a happy hour - sure that sounds like fun! - but, my kid has been at daycare for 9 hours - and I am sure he feels as exhausted by the end of the day as I do.  And, I miss him.  I want to make dinner (not really, I hate to cook), I want to play or go to the park, I want to read books and snuggle on the couch.  It isn't just because my child is my obligation.  It is because he is the highlight of my day, not a glass beer / wine. 

I have had friends fall away - disappear out of my life with no effort.  I assume, they think I needed to make more of one.  They never stopped by just to say hi.  They never called or texted to see how I was holding up through some pretty major changes in my life.  I could have gone out to dinner with them (completely not relaxing trying to get a 2 year old to sit in a high chair for 45 minutes to an hour) - or made my way to their house - but, little ones have early bed times.  They like the comforts of their books, stuffed animals, and bed.  To them it sounds so easy - but, then again - they don't know. 

I stop and think about times in my life when I have been hurt - this one, it cuts deep.  To be honest, it bothers me everyday.  I am trying to let it go.  But, I have a few that have remained my friends through everything - time, years, distance, children or none - and they stay true.  Actually, they seem to call just when I need them to - like a sixth sense, or maybe, just true friends.  

taking deeper roots {living and learning}

I have tried to map out my life.  every detail.  If there is one thing I have learned, life doesn't work that way.  It doesn't go 'as planned'.  I am learning to be ok with that.  I get down on myself when things get off course. 

The past 2 days I needed some escape, some relaxation.  I needed to do something to get me out of my own head - even if it is just for a few hours.  So, I went for the comforts of my childhood home.  That is always my safe place.  I can go there and do absolutely nothing except watch Brayden play and laugh and it does the trick.  It lifts me from my slump.  

I made a few observations during my visit.  

We have had a few storms here in the Midwest - but, very little rain.  We need rain.  Bad.  The wind storm shook the trees, and left a lot of fruit on the ground.  So, we picked up buckets full of fallen apples and pears that couldn't hold on.   It made me sad.  There was a lot of fruit that would have been delicious, had it been given some more nurturing, but it didn't work out that way.  I picked a few pears off the ground.  A few bruises, but still had potential.  I thought maybe a few days on the window sill, some extra nurturing from the sun, and they just might make it.  Those pears made me think of my dreams and plans for the future.  They get shaken up by the storm, by multiple storms.  Some fall away and have to be tossed.  Then, there are some that may be bruised - but, with some nurturing can still make it.  And yet, there are those that no matter how bad the storm, how strong the wind - they cling on.  They hold strong.  Determined to come to fruition. 

Looking around at the very dry ground - and walking ontop of crispy brown grass, It is hard to see how the damages from mother nature can ever be repaired.  Corn and soybeans are my families livelihood - the drought is hard to stomach.  But, the corn is growing.  Soybeans are growing.  They are determined.  They are resilient.    As too, are my parents.  They have (unfortunately) been down this road a few other times.  I can still recall the drought of '88.  I was only 5, but I remember running my fingers along the cracks of the hard, dry ground.  Not really knowing the magnitude of the hurt, but feeling that it wasn't good.  Best of all, I remember dancing in the rain when mother nature finally decided we had waited long enough.  That's life.  Through the storms, through the wind and rain (or lack of rain) we all learn how to stand our ground and hold tight.  As you look around, it is easy to see we aren't alone in it.  The corn, the beans, the apples, and pears - they are not alone, they share the trouble with those around them - and they weather it; together.

"Storms make trees take deeper roots" - Dolly Parton

Here are some (cell ) pictures from our relaxing evening.

The stare down

The difference between adults and kids:

We see a hose with a hole; kids see opportunity for fun!

Friendly Blessings

I had the best date last night :)  Brayden got to come with.  We shared pizza and stories - it was comforting to have someone to relate with.  Laugh with.  And make future plans with.  

This date was not with a guy - It was with a fellow single mom.  I heard my story - but it was coming out of her mouth.  It was so much like mine.  Our kids got to play and we got to laugh.  We shared stories about how we got here, and how happy we are.  We laughed about dating, ... actually the lack of dating. We smiled as we joked about the exhaustion that comes along with doing this 'on our own' - even with the support of our family.  We were understanding of the constant interruptions by our children's bathroom trips, tantrums, and bumps.  We acknowledged the time and the need  to rush off for baths and bedtime, even though we could have kept talking about our endless stories that have lead us here and plans for the future.  

It's funny.  I forget that there are other people that have the same stories.  I get so wrapped up in my little world that I don't always recognize those with similar situations.  I am so focused on getting through the day that I don't always make the time to connect with others.  I really didn't know what I was missing.  But today, even through my exhaustion of dealing with a 2 year old that just does not want to let me sleep through the night, I am in a great mood because I feel less alone.  Not lonely - that isn't the same.  I feel that I have another person with the same story.  She Gets It.  I know there are a lot of single moms, I just didn't have any in my life.  But, now I do - and I am so thankful for my friendly blessing.  

The little engine that can...

I have a wonderful life.  We all do.  I know I have been blessed.  I think of those I love who have really been faced with trials.  The really hard life stuff.  Sick babies, sick children, death of family and friends, loss of jobs and homes.  I have my life intertwined with those who have the tough stuff.  And sometimes, when I think of the challenges I have been faced with I know it doesn't even scrape the surface of what challenges others have gone through.  And those, they are so strong.  They transcend. Forever changed.  

I suppose that's all life is.  Every path is different.  For each person who walks their own, it presents its own challenges.  It isn't fair to compare because theirs is theirs and yours is yours.  Each is difficult in its own right.  It is the outlook you choose along the way.  

 My Mom gave me a big compliment the other day.  She said "You are the engine."  WOW!  I had never thought of myself that way - I love it!  That has been stuck in my head and I just think it was so accurate. Well, even though I am sure she meant it as a compliment - it could be taken two ways.  The good:  You drive.  You push.  You pull.  You are the force the keeps chugging no matter how heavy the load.  You don't stop.  Then, maybe the not so good...  I don't slow.  I enjoy the view, but at a fast pace.  My head spinning as the scene passes me by.  I don't smell the roses.  And, I may run over things that get in my way....  eek...  that sounds really bad.  But, sometimes the truth is brutal.  I have always thought that a sure way to get me to do something is to tell me I can't, because I know I can.  I will find a way.  Life has been good to me.  But, as life will have it, it isn't without its curve balls.  And that is ok, because that is what life is about.  The twists and turns and the unexpected.  Some are blessings because they are gifts and the others are blessing because they are life lessons.  Stumbling, tripping, falling - but always getting back up, stronger and wiser  than before. Max, Me, and B - watching the trains pass :) Through and through, I chug along (maybe mumbling and grumbling along the way) but I will get there.  Some days I win.  Some days life gets the better of me.  But, I am working always on the balance.  

Can I be a slow engine?  One that is always moving but not too fast??  Can I be the focused engine, passionately driven to catch professional goals?  Then when it comes to the every day, Can I be the mom and son waving and clapping from the park at the train rushing by?  Can you have both?  Is there a balance?  Maybe this is a working Mom theme / conflict?  I don't know... Something to work towards, I guess :)  

Single Mom Smiling

 Being single.  

I am often asked "Are you married" or "Who is your husband" or "What does your husband do for a living?"

Me: "No - not married."

Other person: "Oh, well do you have a boyfriend?"  

Me: "Nope, just me and B" (with a smile and a quick change of the awkward subject).  People often have an apologetic look like they need to say something encouraging, "oh sorry - he will come along."

Being single comes with somewhat of a stereotype, especially if you are "older."  I am only 29 - so, by no means do I feel like I fall in the 'older' category, but I think some would definitely place me there.  This single-ness comes up often.  Either by others or just in my wondering mind.  So, the other night I was deep in thought while washing a pile of dishes...  (a big pile because I hate doing them)... And I was thinking about being single.  I was thinking about meeting someone, or the lack of meeting someone.  How do I even do that?  I sometimes think of what 'he' - 'Mr. Just Right For Me' would be like, look like, ect.  The problem is I read to much.  I have grown to love bloggers - and with that comes a lot of information about complete strangers lives.  Some that inspire me and others I admire (aka totally jealous of their perfect lives). Bloggers and DIYers seem to be a lot of stay at home wives / Moms.  Great for them - but, not realistic for me.  And a lot of them seem to have these cute perfect little lives and it makes me feel inadequate as a parent and at my blogging and start up business attempt.  Truth is, there just aren't enough hours in the day to dedicate the time to the things I would like to (parenting, blogging, photography, ect) ... well, there is - but, I NEED sleep - at least 5 hours uninterrupted, and uninterrupted never happens.  Then there are those I completely relate too.  I read a few articles by SDL, Single Dad Laughing.  And, I like it.  At first I was skeptical because of the name.  I thought it would be about a bitter single Dad venting, but, it wasn't.  Actually, it was just the opposite.  He is real life.  The pretty.  The ugly.  Very truthful and real.  He wrote a couple of posts about being lonely.  His lonely post, Watching an Empty Pillow, and the follow up, Can Happy People Be Lonely Too?, were very familiar.  It brought my real feelings closer to the surface.  I was actively thinking about how I felt.  

I get lonely.  I have wonderful company in my life.  My family.  My friends. My coworkers.  Brayden, of course, is the joy of my everyday.  Even Brayden's Dad - we are friends (well, we are a work in progress).  But, even with all of that joy it still feels like something is missing.  However, I don't want that to be misinterpreted.  I am happy.  Really happy.  I have found a progressive contentment.  I am still working on balancing but, that is life.  I have discovered me.  It only took 29 years, but here I am.  I am still learning about myself but I have found my foundation.  It was something that I had been missing - until Brayden.  Strength and growth comes at different stages of life.  He helped me.  He helped me organize and prioritize my life.  So on the surface we may resemble chaos - but, it really isn't.  It is pretty simple.  Between the snotty nose, screaming tantrums, begging, pleading, and negotiating with a 2 year old, we actually have a pattern.  It is simple and everyday - and I love it.  Truly. But, some days when the mundane sneaks in, I sometimes wish there was a counterpart to share in the mundane-ness (is that a word?).  In the everyday wonderful that is my life.  I get to do that some with Brayden's Dad.  We cherish that little boy and love him more than ourselves.  I get to share the sweet wonderful quirks, comments, actions, fits that Brayden has with someone who sees him the same way I do - pure perfection.  We created this perfect little person.  So, we will also have a special bond.  But, we didn't work for a reason (well, multiple reasons but this is not the forum for that). Our relationship is now about co-parenting, which comes with its own struggles.  It is a different dynamic that either of us are familiar with, but we are working on figuring it out.

In the process of organizing and prioritizing I have realized two very important truths.  Brayden and I are number 1 and number 2 on the priority list.  With that, I am growing increasingly particular about who joins us in this 'organized chaos' that is our life. Time with Brayden is precious.  I say it everyday and I emphasize it as much as I can.  He is growing up. And for me, it is too quickly - but it is inevitable.  So, time away from him needs to be justified - that someone needs to be pretty damn special.  Also, time not spent on the other things that I love - my family and my 'projects' is a big sacrifice.  So, I might be lonely some days.  But, it is worth it.  I may be a hopeless romantic but, I believe that someone will come along and I wont view my time spent with him as sacrificing my time to get my 'projects' done.  It will be reversed.  And, when someone is special enough to be around Brayden - then I wont have to pick time shared with one or the other - it will be time together.  

So, until 'He' rides up on his white horse... or big green tractor...  or however it goes...   I will be single, but not alone.  Maybe I will rename my blog - SMS, Single Mom Smiling??  ;)