Cast the first stone

Promise yourself to be strong that
nothing can disturb your peace of
mind. Look at the sunny side of 
everything & make your optimism
come true. Think only the best & expect 
only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past
& press on to the greater achievements of the
future.Give so much time to the improvement
of yourself that you have no time to criticize
others. Live in the faith that the whole world is
on your side as long as you are true to the best
that is in you.  Christain D Larson

It's interesting, the moments you play over and over again in your head.  The big ones, that changed your life forever.  And, the little ones, that changed your life forever.  Some are momentous, like the birth of a child, getting married, buying a house, ect.  And others, you would rather forget.  I talk / blog a lot about my own personal growth - basically, because I feel like I have, and will continue to forever, grow.  From where I stand, I think that is a pretty good place. 

Looking back as a teenager, I did some pretty dumb stuff - I would put bets that the majority of the population, as teenagers, would admit to not always making the best decisions.  Some make it out by the sweat of their brow - I never really was a bad kid, but I did like to break a few rules.  As I believe, most teenagers do to some point.  I have told my mom a few of the stories.  She half laughs, but she really shakes her head at the bad decisions we made growing up in her house.  I told her I use to sneak out.  I only did it a hand full of times, but I always left a note...  just encase she realized I was missing, that she wouldn't panic. It looked something like this: "Dear Mom, I came home, but left because of xyz.  I will be back.  Sorry.  Love, Megan."

In collage, I was a really good.  Even more so when I moved away to a University.  I didn't go out.  Those large crowds make me nervous.  I stayed home, a lot.  That is good and bad - I missed out on some fun, but also a lot of hang overs too.  

After collage, up until the point of finding out I was pregnant, I was in a hurry.  Always looking for the next best thing.  More schooling for a different career.  A better job.  One boyfriend to the next, wondering if he was Mister Right.  Trying to make them into Mr. Right.  Friends and family would joke as each one of my siblings got married.  The punch line always being, I wasn't married.  Odds are my younger two siblings (much younger) will be married before me.  Truth be told, it doesn't bother me in the slightest.  Don't get me wrong, I would love to have that life but I will patiently wait for it to be right, not rush it and pretend.  Brayden shifted my life.  Slowed it down by showing me how quickly it passes.  When you have children, you get it.  I had someone say that to me last weekend.  He said, "I didn't understand before.  But now, I have her (his 4 month old daughter) and all I want to do is rush home from work and play with her before she goes to bed.  I get it now."

It is frustrating in life, when you are judged for decisions / actions of your past.  After all, no one has walked on your road, or in your shoes.  People are quick to judge, but not very good at learning.  I am not perfect.  I bet, you aren't either.  And, I still judge - but I am catching myself as I do it.  I tell myself, almost outloud, I don't know thier story.  I am working on leaving the judging to God, rightfully where it belongs. I am not without sin or poor judgement.  Most people have made a least one mistake.  One moment in life they wished they would have handled differently.  But, where are you now? Are you better than you were yesterday, a year ago, or ten years ago? Growth and learning, is the benefit to making mistakes.  Grow.  Learn.  Then move on. Smile and close the door. 

Walk along someone.  Talk with them.   Learn about them.  But, don't judge them.  Love them.  We all have a hard road.  

Not trying to get preachy, but here are a few verses.  Just something to think about.  

"So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said to them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." John  8:7

"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins." Peter 4:8  

"Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony" Colossians 3:12

put an extra five in the plate at church {Sunday Lessons}

I have a little story to tell.  I feel that there is something to it but I can't put my finger on it - or find the word to describe it - but, you will hopefully see what I mean as you read on.

So, big plans for garage sales last Saturday with my Mom.  We hit a community sale and found some real treasures! After piling all of our goodies into the car - it was packed full, We went on our way back home.  There was nothing out of the ordinary.  Unpacked the car, drove to my apartment - then realized I forgot my purse, with my apartment keys.  So, a few curse words later - I drive all the way back to my parents, got my purse, and hung out for a bit.  Then I had to go home and get ready for some photo sessions...  btw: they turned out amazing.  See them here and here. 

I wanted to stop and get a soda.  I reach for my money (I had roughly $100 cash that I didn't spend at the sales).  It was no where.  I call my mom.  She searched.  And still, no money.  I did my photo sessions and tried to forget about it.  But, that $100 bucks is hard to come by - so, I was literally sick over it.  But, I let it go.  Actually, I didn't.  It was haunting me.  Did I leave it some where?  If so, where???  If it fell out of my pocket, you would think some good citizen would have done something, anything to find the owner.  I mean really, I was shopping at garage sales...  I think that implies I am not a millionaire :)

Like a good girl, I got up bright and early on Sunday so I could go to church.  (This is a new journey I am on.  I posted about it here and here).  As I am sucking down every drop of my coffee before I go in, I am wondering what to do about the offer plate.  I had a few $20's because I got paid for one of my sessions the day before.  But, being I just lost $100 - I by no means could afford to put a $20 in there.  So, I thought, well maybe I will skip this week...  No, I can't do that.  Ugh, I will write a check.  So, I get out the ol' check book and go into the center compartment to get a pen... And wouldn'tchyaknow - there is my money :) Appropriate, finding it while sitting in the church parking lot.  I smiled, and I thanked God for the lesson, AND my money.  

I put an extra $5 in the offer plate - after all, I had it to give.  

Now, I did learn several valuable lessons during Mass - about donating talents and money.  They also talked about us being the branches of the vine - God is the vine.  And, there were some other really good points....  but, I forgot them.  I may have to take in my note book.  Or, ask the Priest if I can take the missalette home and use it for my notes?  Do they do that?  Anyway, I will get it figured out. 

Well, here is a video  -  food for thought.  :)  I am not a HUGE fan of his but, this is a keeper.  Great message.  Happy hump day! 

My Compass

Brayden got home last night!  :)  The excitement and anticipation of knowing he was only miles away was exhausting.  I kept calling and asking, "Where are you now?"  "How much longer?"  "How is he doing?"  "Does he remember me?"  - I am sure Mike wasn't annoyed at all! :) 

But then it was time, I saw the truck pull up...   I went running down the stairs and out the door like a track star!  I scooped him up and kissed him a 1000 times! He looked at me in the eyes with a half delirious smile, and then gave me a big hug.  It was great.  

We did all of the normal stuff - dinner, play with bugs and talk about dinosaurs, take a bath and get ready for bed.  But, last night I did everything with excitement.  I wasn't too busy for any of it.  It makes me sad for the days when I have been.  He seemed bigger, and talked differently - like he was older.  It is that daily progress of these little ones that you don't see through the daily grind.  It made me sad but also thankful for this opportunity for clarity and appreciation.  

As we were playing, Grammy had given him this candy dispenser / flashlight / compass (where do people think up these toys?) - Of course, he loved it!  I was pointing out the compass on the bottom of this interesting toy.  I said, "This is a compass.  It helps you so you don't get lost.  It shows you what direction you are going.  And, if you get lost, It will help you find your way back."  As the words were coming out of my mouth, I played with his hair and looked as beautiful excited eyes.  I thought to myself, he is my compass.  I live life in a different direction because of him.  And, he keeps me from getting lost. Without him for these 9 days - I was without direction.  And, my body could feel it.  I was lost.  Wandering around busy but never really knowing what to do.  I was just fumbling around, not sure what to do next or which turn to take. The moment I picked him up - my body relaxed for the first time in 9 days.  I was back on course and with direction.  Back to life,... with my compass. 

'Becoming-a-big-boy' Days

I read a post by Amy Kolz on Wednesday - holy tears.  Check it out: 'I gotchu'.  It left me thinking about me and B, sadly missing my little man.  He is visiting family in Virginia - I wrote about it, My Heart is in Virginia.  

It brought me back to my stroller days, struggling and juggling more than I could carry or manoeuvre but as a Mom, you manage, always.  It's a job requirement.  I thought about B being little enough for me to push in a stroller.  He doesn't want that any more.  He wants to walk (or run) every where we go.  Insisting always on "NeNe do it".  He wants to climb into the carseat and clip the straps together, unaided.  He doesn't want my help.  So, I patiently smile and let his little fingers fumble and eventually get it lined up just right - then he will let me help (just a little) give a light push to make sure it snaps in place.  Then we celebrate his independence, "What a big boy! You did it all by yourself!"  All while my heart aches at the time passing by too quickly.  

Brayden is two and a half now.  He is intentionally and sincerely more affectionate.  He will say he loves you, without you saying it first.  He is always asking me if I am ok, "K Mommy? You K Mommy?"  Always making sure that I am not struggling or hurting, be it carrying in a ton of groceries or if I stub my toe or bump my knee.  He is always there with that perfect little smile and a kiss for my boo boo.  So as much as I miss my little baby and my stroller days,  I love this becoming-a-big-boy time too.  He is always close by for a hug around my knees and a smooch on the lips.  I know that those moments will pass too quickly - I don't even want to think about him being a teenager...  So, I may try to make him stop growing right where he is...  Can I do that??  ;)

This week, I have had more freedom and time then I could ever know what to do with - and I don't like it.  For all of the challenges that come with being a parent, especially a single parent, there are 1000 times more rewards.  I wouldn't trade seeing that smile everyday for all of the free time in the world. Never. Ever.

Only a few more days before he is back at my side, and I can't wait.  But, he is having so much fun.  See the pictures below that his Dad sent me (he is really good about that - I still get to see all of the fun he is having). 

The little engine that can...

I have a wonderful life.  We all do.  I know I have been blessed.  I think of those I love who have really been faced with trials.  The really hard life stuff.  Sick babies, sick children, death of family and friends, loss of jobs and homes.  I have my life intertwined with those who have the tough stuff.  And sometimes, when I think of the challenges I have been faced with I know it doesn't even scrape the surface of what challenges others have gone through.  And those, they are so strong.  They transcend. Forever changed.  

I suppose that's all life is.  Every path is different.  For each person who walks their own, it presents its own challenges.  It isn't fair to compare because theirs is theirs and yours is yours.  Each is difficult in its own right.  It is the outlook you choose along the way.  

 My Mom gave me a big compliment the other day.  She said "You are the engine."  WOW!  I had never thought of myself that way - I love it!  That has been stuck in my head and I just think it was so accurate. Well, even though I am sure she meant it as a compliment - it could be taken two ways.  The good:  You drive.  You push.  You pull.  You are the force the keeps chugging no matter how heavy the load.  You don't stop.  Then, maybe the not so good...  I don't slow.  I enjoy the view, but at a fast pace.  My head spinning as the scene passes me by.  I don't smell the roses.  And, I may run over things that get in my way....  eek...  that sounds really bad.  But, sometimes the truth is brutal.  I have always thought that a sure way to get me to do something is to tell me I can't, because I know I can.  I will find a way.  Life has been good to me.  But, as life will have it, it isn't without its curve balls.  And that is ok, because that is what life is about.  The twists and turns and the unexpected.  Some are blessings because they are gifts and the others are blessing because they are life lessons.  Stumbling, tripping, falling - but always getting back up, stronger and wiser  than before. Max, Me, and B - watching the trains pass :) Through and through, I chug along (maybe mumbling and grumbling along the way) but I will get there.  Some days I win.  Some days life gets the better of me.  But, I am working always on the balance.  

Can I be a slow engine?  One that is always moving but not too fast??  Can I be the focused engine, passionately driven to catch professional goals?  Then when it comes to the every day, Can I be the mom and son waving and clapping from the park at the train rushing by?  Can you have both?  Is there a balance?  Maybe this is a working Mom theme / conflict?  I don't know... Something to work towards, I guess :)  

The Journey to God

Intense title, right?  I went to church on Sunday.  Something that doesn't happen as often as it should.  I have moved (again) so with that comes a new church.  

I was raised Catholic - Church and Sunday school every weekend, religiously (pun intended).  Church and Sunday school wasn't something that I loved - it was just something that you did. My parents do it every weekend - they never miss, even when they are on vacation or trying to make it to my brother's basketball game.  They find the closest church and they go.  To be honest, I don't know that they have ever missed.  

As I got older and busier, church became secondary - It quickly moved down the list in priority.  I am ashamed to say, sleeping-in took precedent.  However, I am finding my way back.  Faith and Religion is a deep topic.  With my growing up my skepticism about 'religion' grew, but my faith never faltered.  I always have God - in the good and the bad - he is always there, and I know that.  With that frame of mind, I also didn't see why it was necessary to go through the traditions that organized religions have.  God is everywhere I go, why do I need to go to church? But, with the never ending shifts that parenthood brings, also does enlightenment about faith, religion, and God.  In general life, I do what my parents did.  They went to church.  We did all of the necessary milestones through the Catholic faith.  And, I see that as important.  I want Brayden to do that.  I want him to have the instilment of faith and God.  

Through my own growth, my viewpoint (and I do mean mine, agree or not - it is my opinion) church is important.  It is faith based school and education.  Church is there to be the reinforcing reminder of living the best life.  I just learned that yesterday.  29 years of church and I had that epiphany yesterday.  I think I knew, but something clicked on Sunday.  The Priest spoke really beautifully.  He spoke of a journey and referred to the reading in the Bible.  The journey to Jesus and the journey Jesus puts us on. That stood out to me.  He said,"...the hardest journey we will ever have to make is the distance between our mind and heart." He said "how often do we say to ourselves, I should drink less.  I should stop smoking.  I should be more patient.  I should stop yelling at my kids so much.  I should donate more money or time.  I should speak softer. I should smile more.  All of the things that our heart says we should do - but our mind leads us in a different direction." Was he speaking just to me?  It felt like it.  Ultimately, the sermon was about the journey to Jesus, and God.  Act on what you know is right.  Live justly.  Act with Love.  Know God.  

This may be a new Monday topic - my journey back to church.  I still believe that God is everywhere I am - and religion, attending church is a matter of preference.  To me, I need to be more disciplined about going to church so I can be reconnected with God.  I need to hear the stories in the bible.  I need to learn from their message and apply it to my life.  I need Brayden to develop that connection with God.  I talk about Him with Brayden.  I have been making the effort because I knew we would be making this journey together and he needs a foundation.  I say "Who loves you?"  As rehearsed he replies, "Mama and Dadda." Then I say, "Who else?" And from there we name all 70 members of both sides of the family.  Then I say "and God loves you."  So, that is part of the 70 names.  I also talk about God's house (church).  He will go soon.  I need to get reacquainted first.  Let the journey begin.

Wonderful Everyday Friday {Finding Inspiration}

 I was thinking about a Friday post - I love to start the weekend this way.  However, I wasn't sure what to do for today.  I was feeling like I needed something uplifting - not because I was down - but, because I felt like sharing some spirit.  

On my Facebook newsfeed I saw that Layla from The Lettered Cottage had shared a video ( I love The Lettered Cottage).  This video was called "Transcending", a reading by Kelly Corrigan.  So, I pressed play. And then, I heard some really beautiful words about Life, Love, Friendship, Parenting, Struggles, - Bonds that are shifted but never broken.  I did some more searching about Kelly Corrigan and found several books from her that are now in my Amazon shopping cart.  

In this life, I don't stop to breathe as often as I should -  she captures the everyday business in her reading. The everyday moments that never seem overly glamorous suddenly become very beautiful by the words she strung together.  It feels like daily I hear of loss of life.  Some by those who lived 80+ beautiful years and others that did not, and it was too soon.  There are even more that struggle - be it life circumstances, tragedy, or illness but through the challenges they do it with character, beauty, and grace.  They transcend - rise above, elevate, surpass. 

Here is the video - Share it.  I think it has a beautiful message.  Just right for another Wonderful Everyday Friday.

"Welcome to Holland"

"When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Sistine Chapel, Gondolas. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting. After several months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland!” “Holland?” you say. “What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy. I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.” But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine, and disease. It’s just a different place. So, you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It’s just a different place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around. You begin to notice that Holland has windmills. Holland has tulips. And Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.” And the pain of that experience will never, ever, ever, go away. The loss of that dream is a very significant loss. But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland."

I heard this short story last weekend.  It is written by Emily Pearl Kingsley in 1987. She wrote it about her son who was born with Down Syndrome.   She was a writer for Sesame Street - and her influence is why they included children with special needs - she was far wiser then the times.  She was an advocate for her son and for other children with special needs.  

I have been blessed to learn a lot from my friends with special needs.  It gave me a glimpse (and I do mean a glimpse) of the pride and struggles that come along with these beautiful children.  I spent time in college with a group of children that fell on the Autism Spectrum.  From that moment on, those children sparked my curiousity - they are very unique learners.  They see, hear, and feel the world differently then us 'typical' learners.  After collage I was an aide for a special needs classroom - I was constantly moved by the sincerity that I received from those children.  The experiences that I learned from them I carry with my every day.  I am sensitive to the struggles they encounter in learning and with peer relationships. Kids can be mean, but there angels among them too.  And they treat everyone with kindness, special needs or not.  I pray that Brayden is one of those.  Then I was blessed with my nephew Drew.  He acts with intention, in the love he gives and the sneaky things he does - Just like everyone else.  You can't help but smile.  When he is happy and excited the room lights up - and he does that when someone enters a room.  He lets you know that he is SO excited to see you.  He makes you feel special.  He doesn't say much but he wears his heart on his sleeve, and it is a beautiful heart!  Then, a few months ago I met Tucker and his sisters which brought me to the reading of this story at his memorial service (I wrote about Tucker here).  Within the first few sentences of "Welcome to Holland", I was hit - it felt like by a truck.  I could never possibly understand the feelings of the parents of children with special needs.  I still don't.  As a "typical" parent it gave an interesting insight. That story moved me to tears and I thought about my experiences with my son and how often I rejoice.  Parents of children with special needs, I assume, rejoice deeper.  Through the struggles, it makes the happy times shine very brightly. When I had Brayden my world changed forever, for the better.  As too are the lives of these special parents.  The world is changed forever, differently but just as beautiful.  Actually, I think there is so much that we could learn from those families.  They have many challenges and obstacles but they thrive - really live.  They cherish life not in spite of what turns they have taken but because of them.  

It is appropriate that this is Autism Awareness month.  Donate, Give, Walk, Learn, Advocate.  Teach your children about differences - everyone is different and that is why the world is so beautiful.  Show them that true character is not only standing up for what is right but for standing with those who make the world beautiful.  

Single Mom Smiling

 Being single.  

I am often asked "Are you married" or "Who is your husband" or "What does your husband do for a living?"

Me: "No - not married."

Other person: "Oh, well do you have a boyfriend?"  

Me: "Nope, just me and B" (with a smile and a quick change of the awkward subject).  People often have an apologetic look like they need to say something encouraging, "oh sorry - he will come along."

Being single comes with somewhat of a stereotype, especially if you are "older."  I am only 29 - so, by no means do I feel like I fall in the 'older' category, but I think some would definitely place me there.  This single-ness comes up often.  Either by others or just in my wondering mind.  So, the other night I was deep in thought while washing a pile of dishes...  (a big pile because I hate doing them)... And I was thinking about being single.  I was thinking about meeting someone, or the lack of meeting someone.  How do I even do that?  I sometimes think of what 'he' - 'Mr. Just Right For Me' would be like, look like, ect.  The problem is I read to much.  I have grown to love bloggers - and with that comes a lot of information about complete strangers lives.  Some that inspire me and others I admire (aka totally jealous of their perfect lives). Bloggers and DIYers seem to be a lot of stay at home wives / Moms.  Great for them - but, not realistic for me.  And a lot of them seem to have these cute perfect little lives and it makes me feel inadequate as a parent and at my blogging and start up business attempt.  Truth is, there just aren't enough hours in the day to dedicate the time to the things I would like to (parenting, blogging, photography, ect) ... well, there is - but, I NEED sleep - at least 5 hours uninterrupted, and uninterrupted never happens.  Then there are those I completely relate too.  I read a few articles by SDL, Single Dad Laughing.  And, I like it.  At first I was skeptical because of the name.  I thought it would be about a bitter single Dad venting, but, it wasn't.  Actually, it was just the opposite.  He is real life.  The pretty.  The ugly.  Very truthful and real.  He wrote a couple of posts about being lonely.  His lonely post, Watching an Empty Pillow, and the follow up, Can Happy People Be Lonely Too?, were very familiar.  It brought my real feelings closer to the surface.  I was actively thinking about how I felt.  

I get lonely.  I have wonderful company in my life.  My family.  My friends. My coworkers.  Brayden, of course, is the joy of my everyday.  Even Brayden's Dad - we are friends (well, we are a work in progress).  But, even with all of that joy it still feels like something is missing.  However, I don't want that to be misinterpreted.  I am happy.  Really happy.  I have found a progressive contentment.  I am still working on balancing but, that is life.  I have discovered me.  It only took 29 years, but here I am.  I am still learning about myself but I have found my foundation.  It was something that I had been missing - until Brayden.  Strength and growth comes at different stages of life.  He helped me.  He helped me organize and prioritize my life.  So on the surface we may resemble chaos - but, it really isn't.  It is pretty simple.  Between the snotty nose, screaming tantrums, begging, pleading, and negotiating with a 2 year old, we actually have a pattern.  It is simple and everyday - and I love it.  Truly. But, some days when the mundane sneaks in, I sometimes wish there was a counterpart to share in the mundane-ness (is that a word?).  In the everyday wonderful that is my life.  I get to do that some with Brayden's Dad.  We cherish that little boy and love him more than ourselves.  I get to share the sweet wonderful quirks, comments, actions, fits that Brayden has with someone who sees him the same way I do - pure perfection.  We created this perfect little person.  So, we will also have a special bond.  But, we didn't work for a reason (well, multiple reasons but this is not the forum for that). Our relationship is now about co-parenting, which comes with its own struggles.  It is a different dynamic that either of us are familiar with, but we are working on figuring it out.

In the process of organizing and prioritizing I have realized two very important truths.  Brayden and I are number 1 and number 2 on the priority list.  With that, I am growing increasingly particular about who joins us in this 'organized chaos' that is our life. Time with Brayden is precious.  I say it everyday and I emphasize it as much as I can.  He is growing up. And for me, it is too quickly - but it is inevitable.  So, time away from him needs to be justified - that someone needs to be pretty damn special.  Also, time not spent on the other things that I love - my family and my 'projects' is a big sacrifice.  So, I might be lonely some days.  But, it is worth it.  I may be a hopeless romantic but, I believe that someone will come along and I wont view my time spent with him as sacrificing my time to get my 'projects' done.  It will be reversed.  And, when someone is special enough to be around Brayden - then I wont have to pick time shared with one or the other - it will be time together.  

So, until 'He' rides up on his white horse... or big green tractor...  or however it goes...   I will be single, but not alone.  Maybe I will rename my blog - SMS, Single Mom Smiling??  ;)

Passionately Curious

"I have no real talents.  I am only passionately curious" - Albert Einstein

I borrow great words from great people - I sometimes have difficulty trying to convey the message that I am attempting to put together.  I am often captivated by the words (or pictures) that people string together to tell their story.  They leave me in awe and intrigue me to want more.  As is such with the quote I used today.  I have found in my growing that I am not very talented, naturally.  I fail, ugh - I mean learn, a lot the hard way - and often! I mess things up more often then I can count.  I have learned to accept this about myself - I learn by doing and that is that.  

My wonderful Aunt Lisa gave me a book over the weekend, Photojojo (very cool book)! She told me that I was talented - which made me smile, but I also didn't really hear her ...  talented?  Me, really?  That was sweet!  I actually just do it because I really, really love it!  Thinking back to my Aunt Lisa, She inspired me - she doesn't know that, but she always had a nice camera and would take great pictures for important moments - family stuff, sporting events, graduations, ect.  I remember thinking how perfect her pictures looked when she would print them out and give them to us.  I remember thinking, 'I am going to do that, someday.'  She has been very supportive and encouraging through this adventure of mine.

I have found that with photography I don't really 'mess up', per say.  There are still moments when I think "Oh, I wish I would have tried this, or done that. "  But actually, it has been the opposite - I should learn to scale back...   I see potential in every angle in every image.  I think most photographers pick their favorite 10 ...  well, not me.  I pick my favorite 50 and then go from there...  I spend a lot of time on the editing.  I edit to highlight the beauty of the pictures.   (Because of this, I am going to need botox at a very young age - this squinty eye wrinkle on my forehead keeps getting worse and worse!) That is where the passion part comes to play - I love it. Really.  Scale back? - I don't think I am able.   It is my creative outlet that was always there - but, I could never find my 'talent.'  Now, that doesn't go to say that I 'have talent' but it definitely means that I have found the patience to cultivate my creativity.  I have finally found my avenue to do that.  Talented?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  But Passionate? - Ab.so.lutely. :) 

Speaking of passion.  Here is my truest love - who often happens to be the subject for my passion:  

We went fishing over the weekend.  It was a blast!  We fished for sharks - but mostly caught Nemo (or his friends).  And, I am a catch-n-release kinda gal - so, Nemo and friends didn't stay with us long.  We also went searching for Salamanders.  LB is becoming quite the Little Boy...  Loves dirt and worms! Below are a few pictures of him and his Dad.  

And, here is a video clip of 'Catching Nemo' ( ignore the annoying narrator)!

All grown up

There are only a few weeks left for this graduating Senior, my little brother, Nick.  We photographed his Senior pictures over the weekend.  Nothing like waiting until the last minute, right?  Well, Nick is really busy.  Between sports, working on the farm, and lending a hand whenever it is needed (and squeezing time in for his girlfriend), Senior pictures were low on his priority list.  But, we got 'em done - and just in time! 

We had fun during this 2 hour session.  Nick's girlfriend came with - she was a great help - I got some really natural smiles (and glares) out of him with Courtney's provoking (see Courtney's pictures here)! Our favorites of him are the silly ones.  They aren't the posed and perfect - but they are natural and totally Nick.  

I think I will have to post some 'bluppers' - with their permission of course - because they are pretty hilarious! 

Here he is, all grown up and making big plans for the next chapter - I can't wait to see what he will do next! You can read more about Nick in a previous post: Always 8... Check out all of Nick's Senior pictures in the Gallery!

finding inspiration {everyday heroes}

Many of us have heroes.  People in our lives and those throughout history that over come seemingly impossible odds.  They accomplish challenges with humility, grace, and beauty.  That defines true character – not being a victim of circumstance but instead become empowered by those challenges. 

Tucker Morefield had many heroes.  He loved sports (Go Illini!) with every ounce of him.  He shared that bond with many friends and his Dad.  Tucker never realized, but many others did, that He is a hero.  You might be fooled by the first impression, a young man confined to a wheelchair but, it did not confine his spirit.  Tucker was the only boy of triplets born on October 9, 1994.  The Morefield family faced many challenges – but, view every moment in life as a blessing.  They have spent their lives surrounded by supportive family and great friends.  They have had to jump more hurdles then most of us will ever have to encounter in a life time.  Tucker, a born fighter, embraced his individuality.  He welcomed those who did not understand his differences.  He would always be the first to say ‘Hello’ to a strangers gaze.  You can bet that if you gave Tucker a few minutes – he would have you laughing.  His charm radiated every where he went – and to everyone who met him.  Tucker loved life. 

He was blessed to have two sisters that share the same firery tenacity for life.  Can you imagine all of that spunk under one roof?!

Tucker’s spirit was not justified by his body.  It presented him with more and more challenges, and it eventually grew tired.  Tucker passed away on Wednesday, March 28^th. His spirit and strength can now continue on without his failing body. 

I have not known Tucker for very long, months only actually.  However, he has made a lasting impression on my life.  His smile made your heart melt – and, you couldn’t help but to smile along with him.  If I can live my life with half of the intention that he did, then I know I will have a fulfilled life.   Tucker physically leaving is sad, but his spirit remains in all those who knew him.  There are so many that will be reminded daily of his joking, laughing, and smiling – that he never really leaves us, the heroes never do. 

in the dark of night brings clarity for the day

 

"I've loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night" ~ galileo

There is beauty in the clarity and silence of the dark night.   I love that.  Stepping outside after a long day and resting a minute on the front porch step. The loud of the world is silenced and there is purity in the smell and sounds - smells and sounds that you can only experience when the world decides to rest.   The stars gleam more brightly when it is darkest. In those moments I feel so small.  And, in that smallness comes a calm.  I exhale deeply, releasing all troubles of the day. It feels that the world weighs on me some days and then I realize that it doesn't.  This is just another day.  And with that brings another tomorrow and another opportunity to not only just exist but to live.  I draw in another deep breath and grin, a thankful smile for the blessing of a wonderful life.  

...Now back to doing laundry ;) - Which, reminds me of a saying a heard somewhere...  

Dishes to do means we have food in our bellies, Laundry to wash means we have clothes on our bodies, and a house to clean means we have a roof over our heads....  And, toys to trip over means I have the most amazingly awesome little man in my life...    

Yup, Our Life is pretty fantastic!

I hope you all have a phenomenal weekend! 

pin the tail on the donkey

How does the game go? ... It has been years since I have done this but I think it looks something like this:

• Person puts blind fold on
• Person gets spun around a dozen or so times 
• Person is given a donkey tail with a pin attached
• Person tries to fumble their way to the target, the donkey's behind

Sound familiar?  It should.  It sounds like life to me. I feel like that is what my life resembles sometimes. I fumble around not knowing where I am going.  But, I know what my target is - I just need to feel around until I make it there.  The interesting part is the crowd that surrounds you.  In the game of pin the tail on the donkey - you have those in the crowd that do 1 of 3 things: Encourage you, Mislead you, or do nothing.  Again, seems a lot like life too.  There are the few who encourage and try to point you in the right direction.  And, no matter how far you get from the donkeys behind, they keep leading you back in the right direction.  I have those.  The few in the crowd. They support and encourage.  But, most importantly they hope and have faith that I will find my way to that target.  I may not get it right on, but trying and aiming is better then never playing the game. 

I am going to play with a smile and give it what I've got - even if I sometimes look like the donkey's behind ;)

Sharing my bed

This is what I wake up to on most mornings: 

We had this co sleeping thing kicked but...  when little ones get sick, snuggling is what they want.  LB has had a rough few months.  Nothing serious, thank the Lord, but with this weather and daycare comes lots of germs... and with that sleepless nights. 

I (we - his dad too) have been trying to get him back into his bed and sleeping independently.  I love it when I get a good nights sleep - and I love that he seems refreshed when he sleeps on his own.  I am a restless sleeper so I know my tossing and turning wakes him and he doesn't sleep as well as he could if he were alone.  BUT, I have that ache deep down that really doesn't mind that he is with me.  I get to wake up to this squishy little face!  I get ready in the morning before I wake him.  When it is his time to wake up - I kiss on his belly, cheeks, neck, feet...  And, he will smile, eyes still closed he will usually laugh and say "No Mama!"... and sometimes he means it...  really, don't touch me - I am asleep! This morning he said "No, stay".  He was communicating that he didn't want to get out of bed - and that point was emphasized even greater when I sadly turned down his request for a donut. 

It is a little bit of a conundrum...  This co sleeping / independently sleeping topic.  I want to do right by him - and by myself too but then I think well, he is only little for so long and I should embrace it as long as he is happy to snuggle up with me but, I like my peaceful sleep too!  What to do?  I guess time will tell.  Until then, I will sleep when I can - and snuggle up when I can't. 

A baby will...

A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living ~ unknown

I love doing belly pictures!  It takes me back to one of the most incredible times in my life.  I loved being pregnant!  And, pregnant women have to be the most beautiful thing on the planet.  They turn heads every where they go and inspire people to come up and rub the belly (even though some find that horribly irritating - I am one of those strange belly rubbers)!  Being pregnant signifies one of the biggest shifts in a persons (a couples) life.   It is maybe the only time in life that you create, grow, and support a living miracle - A screaming, pooping, spitting up miracle! :)  Parents quickly realize that things they may have found to be disgusting before they now have an extremely high tolerance for.  Love does that.  

Here is Ali.

And here is Ali's bump.  

Cute and perfect.  We had a lot of fun.  I love every opportunity to talk pregnancy and bellies!  Did I already say I loved being pregnant??  I become flooded with wonderful memories of pregnancy and labor with LB (yes, I enjoyed my labor too).  It is hard to believe in a few short weeks a baby will be here, and the belly will be gone (tear).  I know everyone is excited to meet this new baby....  and find out if it is a little boy or girl! Look in the Gallery for all of Ali's belly pictures!  

 Ali, thank you for the opportunity to photograph this time in your life.  Here is some advice that I try to live by.  Some days are harder than others but,  it is true, they grow up right before your eyes.  It really is simple.  Just have fun! 

"Be there. Say yes as often as you can. Let them (and encourage them) to bang on pots and pans. If they're crabby put them in water. Read books out loud with joy. Go find elephants and kiss them (in our case it is dinosaurs). Encourage silly. Giggle alot. Remember how small they really are. Search out the positive. Keep the gleam in your eye. Teach feelings. Go see a movie in your pj's. Realize how important it is to be a child. Plan to build a rocket ship (and fort).  Stop yelling. Invent pleasures together. Surprise them. Express your love. Alot. Children are miraculous." ~ SARK

Meeting Ashley

I had the privilege of taking Ashley's senior portraits this weekend.  Isn't she lovely!

We had a lot of fun :)  And, we even got an impromptu tour of the local Museum by the sweetest gentleman.  He, who has been married for 58 years, still referred to his wife as his lovely bride.  With that, he also gave some advice for a long and healthy marriage.   He said with an ear to ear grin, "...it is hard sometimes... actually, no it isn't!  The truth is, we are friends.  That's the secret.  Be great friends." That made me smile - inside and out.  He gave us lots of information about the city, where the name came from and some of the past businesses and buildings that have long since past.  Who knew?! 

We went to multiple locations - and they all turned out really wonderful.  I really had to limit the number of pictures I posted - there were so many beautiful ones to choose from!  She made it easy with a face like hers! We had to combate alittle wind but it added a little something to the pictures as well.  Check out more of Ashley's senior pictures in the Gallery. 

looking back {and moving forward}

Look at those eyes! It's hard, ya know, looking back.  It's hard to think of the years that have gone past. I accidentally stumbled on a movie I made for LB for his birthday.  I was at work and was trying to watch a video about arch welding (exciting stuff)! But, for some reason, the Lord decided I needed to stop for a minute and have some reflection time.  And, he was right.  Brayden and I have tough days...  which I am sure is completely normal.  He's 2 - enough said!  He spends most days learning what his limits are.  Be it, giving his independence a try or to see how far he can push his mama's patience.  I often stop myself and say out loud to him,"You are lucky you're cute!"   We have been getting along so wonderfully, lately.  He is still a stinker but we are both so happy.  This video - I will post if I can figure out how - It covers ultrasound pictures, belly bump (really big belly bumps) to tiny baby, to not so tiny baby, to toddler.  All I can do is ask myself, "When did all of this happen?  Where did my baby go?"  Each passing day has me holding for dear life onto that little boy.  I ask him daily if he can please just stop where he is at.  I have been asking him since he was just a bump in my belly, "I will NEVER ask for anything from you in my entire life if you can just do one thing for me.  Please, don't grow up.  Stay perfect and tiny and with your mom FOREVER!"  

It reminds me of a story I heard.  A lady I worked with was visiting her daughters collage campus.  The daughter said to her mom' "I think I want to live on campus, instead of commute."  Then mom looks at her daughter nodding in agreement.  "That's fine.  Let's talk to your dad and start looking at 2 bedroom apartments."  Daughter looks at her mom, confused.  "Two bedroom?"  Mom saying profoundly, "well yes. There has to be enough room for the both of us!"  B and I will be having that same discussion some day.  Where ever he goes, I will just go too! I can't wait to see how that works out! 

So. As much as I ache, long, cry, beg, plead for him to stay little.  I know deep down I am just as excited to see all of the things he will do.  And, with each new event in his life I will pray for a freeze frame hoping to hold onto that moment for just a little longer.  Those times in my life will keep me looking back at how far we have come and what a blessed life we have.  How truly fortunate we are to have eachother and our family.  We will keep moving forward with a semi-reluctant smile and looking back with tears in our eyes.  

bad day turned WONDERFUL!

Even after what seemed to be miserable day ....  it turned around by 5 pm!  Look at those faces!  It left me thinking....

'what was I mad about again?...' 

Here's to the bad days made wonderful by fun sized smiles! 

...having a bad day...

I am having a bad day...  boo.

I try to usually only post happy, encouraging - if you fall down brush your self off and get back up kinda blogs.  Today, I don't feel like it.  

I did turn to good ol' faithful Marc and Angel to help me look at the brighter side.  It helped.  But, for the reasons I am not so happy today aren't going away because I read some encouraging words.  They will still be there.  And, there is still no immediate solution....  there are choices - none of which I like but sometimes the hard stuff requires actions, even if they are unfavorable.  

I flipped through my 'little book of quotes' that sits on my desk.  It's a good thing it isn't a calendar... because I keep flipping until I find the one that fits me for the day.  I had to go through  a lot to get one for today... but there was one:

'Every flower that blooms has to go through a whole lot of dirt'

Appropriate.

So, here is to the necessary bad days.  For with them, they make the good ones sunnier. Hopefully, tomorrow the sun is shining (figuratively and literally).